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What Doesn’t Break You Really Does Make You Stronger

I woke up this morning and moving was the very last thing I wanted to do. My wrists and shoulders felt as though they were on fire and the middle of my back was screaming abusively at me. 
When I say I woke up, I am not sure how much sleep I actually achieved through the night as I tried endlessly to find a way to just be in bed that didn’t involve incredible pain.
No; I hadn’t suddenly decided to take up an extreme sport all I had done was drive 140kms, the drive would normally take just on 2 hours, or 2 hours 20 minutes when allowing for a coffee stop along the way. Normally the drive would not have bothered me in the least except for one point where I always want to stop and take some photos of the ruggedness of the Australian bushland; however there is no safe place to park so I simply enjoy the depth of valley nor the height of the rock face or marvel at the gums that are growing out of the crevasses on the rock face.  
But yesterday the drive took almost 5 hours and included several stops including 1 stop for a take away coffee rather than a sit and enjoy coffee. The reason was for the first time in many long years I was driving through a storm where the winds were reaching almost 100kms per hour and the rain was at times blinding.
All of it meant driving at times at half past crawling pace and at other times pulling over into the emergency stopping lane until the rain and wind had slowed down enough for me to be able to safely continue my journey.
For the first time in a very very long time I regretted that I was diving a small car that the weather was just blowing around, then I regretted not thinking about packing a thermos of hot tea for the journey. At one point the highway police stopped to check on me as I was the only car in the emergency stopping lane, I explained that I was just waiting for the weather to clear for me to be able to drive on in as much safety as possible. He and I had a chat about my choice of safety over arrival time, just as he left a travel alert came over the GPS to inform me that a traffic accident had happened and it would delay my travel time by up to 20 minutes.  About 30 minutes later I drove past the accident scene, fortunately it was a fatal accident, it was another small car that the winds had seemingly picked up and pushed it sideways into a safety barrier. The very same officer who had checked on me was now standing by the side of the very damaged car with the driver as they waited for the ambulance to arrive.
I arrived back at my unit, I turned on the heating and made myself something to eat, I sat down and watched the mid-afternoon news to see images of the storm I had driven through, with the perfect vision of hindsight I knew that I was fortunate that I had arrived safely and then again with the wisdom of hindsight I agreed with myself that I really should have stayed where I was for another day.
So why am I telling you all of this. The reasons are very simple, the reason my body is “metaphorically speaking) screaming obscenities at me is because each part of me is still carrying the burdens of my workplace injury. The strength needed to drive and control the car in such conditions would have once not been an issue. Today my wrists are swollen and my shoulders feel as if I have been doing extreme gorilla gardening, my back and neck are far too strained even to allow anything more than hot water from the shower to touch them. My eyes are strained from the constant need to look through driving rain and windscreen wipers that were not always able to keep the rain from my line of sight. 
I know many of you will be saying take some pain killers and just get on with the day. I also know the only ones who will be saying that are the ones who do not know the other “injury” I carry from my original workplace incident; I have an addiction to pain killers. I know that one pain killer will never be enough to quell the need that once started will be nigh on impossible to quell. I escaped from the grip of the addiction once, I know what it takes to escape, I truly do not know if I could or would find the courage to escape a second time.
For now, it is just a matter of staying warm staying inside out of the rain and the wind and know in my heart that this surface pain will be gone by the morrow, tonight’s sleep will be easier and I will be able to simply get back to work.

Yesterday’s drive reminded me of just how far I have travelled in the last 25 years, oddly enough the 25th anniversary of my workplace injury was just last week. 25years back my focus was on trying to understand what had happened to me, what the future was going to look like, a whole manner of what at the time was incredibly important to me was suddenly plunged into free-fall. Sitting on the side of the road yesterday watching the wind whip up debris and road work signs and throw all of it into the air I marveled at the strength of nature. And then I looked at the multiple layers of my life, how determination took hold of all the debris that cluttered my mind and forced me firstly to find shelter and seek information, then to build layer by layer by layer at times retreating to shelter but even when wanting to I could never stop -I could rest I just could not stop- I went through the various stages of grief and anger and the various stages of failure and success sometimes the whirlwinds of change came so quickly that there wasn’t time to savor any of it and at other times it felt as though Father Time had stopped every clock. Along the way I collected friends and guides and mentors. People have come into my life for the very lesson I needed at the time some stayed other kept to their own path and went out of my life. Some who have left this world I will love and miss until my last day on this Earth. 
Back to today, I acknowledge the pain that fills me today, I acknowledge that reason for the pain and I accept the pain for its tutoring. Who knows next time I may take a lot more interest in the weather forecast than I did yesterday morning! 
I do have one single regret from yesterday’s drive and it may not be a regret that you expect.
On such long drives I normally listened to audio books. On the outward journey I listened to The Alchemist it matters not how many times I have heard this story, it is a story of discovery that I enjoy. On the journey yesterday I had planned to listen again to Freedom Flight by Lanny Bassham and then Make your Bed by William McRaven again I have listened to these audiobooks numerous times. 
Each book is different but the message is the same, the only way to achieve the desired outcome is to believe in it and do whatever it takes to achieve the goal , and in order to actually sustain the goals it is important to know just who you are and what you are capable of doing regardless of what life drops onto your path. 

Yours in service,
Rosemary

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